Dreaming insecurities…

It was sunny outside and I was sleeping with no idea of what was happening. I was dreaming, like always! Bad dreams, I should say. Stuck with my legs close to the bed, almost like I am tied with it and my hands too were too rigid to move. I get these scary dreams all the time, like all the bloody time.

nightmare

For now, a combination of two or more scary stories were clouded in my mind. This is how it started – I saw this woman in a black gown covered with a veil, entering my room when I am playing with my friends. She carried me, screamed at me and I screamed back, she slapped me hard and took me away. I shouted at the top of my voice, but nobody except my friends could hear me and even they couldn’t say a word. They were warned to be silent. She took me to a dark place and left me in between 100 men. Imagine, 100 men! And I am standing clueless. After a few seconds, I realize these men were coming closer and I ran to a corner and dug myself deep in a hole that never opened again. I am dead! I am no more! You can’t hear me now! I can’t hear myself now! What was my purpose of my existence, I din’t know when I was a child and now that I am trying to recognize my fight for gender equality, I am dead again in my dream which I fear would turn out to be real. Let me tell you it was a childhood nightmare that has caught up my mind and escaping out of seems unreal now! Like, really! I still dream about it twice a month atleast.

I couldn’t come out of this and here started another story – A little girl shouting because she is being hit by a man for not begging properly and getting enough money. And further, that mid-aged woman being raped repeatedly at her home when everybody is watching her in pain, and still not doing anything about it. I feel like I know that woman. She is being raped and I am sleeping. I need to rush to help her but I am tied of my imagination, close to my bed. I can’t move. But why can’t I? I am clueless.

Somewhere around the blur path, I wish to be free and independent and strong enough to deal with every difficulty. And I don’t wish that being a guy ever overpowers my opponents winning. Infact, I never want those sharp minded, gender biased women to tell me to adjust. Why should I, just because I am a girl?

I really wish someone could tell me that all these were just dreams and nothing was real. I wish I had grown up at a place safer for women. And everyday, I would sleep peacefully and my own life would not be at stake. You know the worst scenario in life is to be threatened each moment, while you walk on the road, travel in your car or by any public convenience. Being a girl is a terribly difficult task and I am not afraid of the difficulties but irritated and petrified by these unfair and unwanted circumstances. There is no glory, no reward for being what you are! But you still have to tackle with this everyday, every night and tomorrow I don’t wish to get up with another scary shit ruling my mind, but it isn’t in my hands. I am dealing with the insecurity I do not deserve but I am dealing with it.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: This article is written by Ishita Kapoor. Ishita sees her passion in writing and hopes to change the world by not only giving them their piece of mind, but also receiving their opinion and then judging what’s correct. She is also the Co – founder of Respect Women and an initiator in making people get their voices heard.

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